Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I hate thinking of titles for my posts

I've been going to physical therapy for a little over a week now and I really like the Physical Therapy office I go to. I kind of don't want to stop going. Everyone in the office is easy to talk to and really nice. I had another PT visit tonight and have another visit on Friday night. Luckily they are close to work and home.

Thursday, October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Everyone is invited to light a candle at 7pm all over the world in loving memory of babies gone too soon and their families. My cousin Emalee lost her baby boy Kenner on November 13, 2008. I lost my baby at 11 weeks back on March 10, 2008. My mom lost my sister Angel at seven months on June 14, 1982. I've known so many people who have lost babies before they were born. I've known a few people who got to keep their babies for a while before they were taken back to heaven. My heart aches for all those people who've lost babies.

I still remember, like it was yesterday, the feelings I had while going through the miscarriage. I kept feeling like it was a dream and everything would be okay and I would go home and still be pregnant. I lost so much blood they almost gave me a blood transfusion. I was so pale, and since I'm already anemic it just made it worse. I wish that no one, including my worst enemy (which I don't really have one, but you know what I mean) would have to suffer through that horrible experience.

One minute you're excited about being a mother, and bringing home your baby to the new nursery (we never got that far) and the next you're mourning the loss of something that can never be replaced. I often think of my miscarriage and wonder if I'm "lucky" to have lost the baby so early in the pregnancy so I had less of a chance of feeling the baby move and bonding with it. On the other hand I hate calling my baby an "It". I wish that I would have known the gender of the baby I lost. I wish I could have given it a name and had something to bury. I need that closure but was unable to get it.

The weird thing about losing the baby so early and not knowing the gender of the baby is that I had a feeling it was a boy and even though we had never thought of it as a name we wanted to name our baby I felt that the baby's name should have been Cameron. No clue why, it's just a feeling.

Don't forget to light a candle tomorrow night at 7 PM. Remember the babies that have been lost.

1 comment:

  1. Cameron hhmmm, don't worry gorgeous, we will see him one day in the Celestial Kingdom ~me(;