Sunday, September 7, 2014

Guilt and fault

I was able to take Hunter for quite a few hours today (almost 9) so that I could take him with me to my dad's Lagoon day. We had a lot of fun with his cousins (Hailey, Jax and Violet were the only ones there) and I enjoyed talking with my mom while all the kids (including "big" kids Mindy and Missee) went on multiple rides.

I told my mom at one point something that has been bothering me. I feel bad when I'm happy, or having fun while Steve is in the hospital. I feel like I should be sad and depressed the entire time he's not home. My mom told me that if I did that (and didn't have any fun or happiness) that I would probably end up hospitalized with Steve. That doesn't lessen my guilt when I have fun.

Hunter's mom doesn't want him to spend the night with us right now (Us meaning myself or Dale and Barbara - Steve's parents) and since the visitation rights are only for Steve she has every right to do this. She is upset since when Hunter found out about his dad being hospitalized he got upset and said it was his fault that he didn't take better care of his dad.

Tonight on the way home (to his mom's house) I talked to Hunter about it and said there was no "fault" in a situation like this. We can't blame anyone, especially not Steve. I told him how much his dad loves him and would want to be with him if he was well.  I hope Hunter does understand. Mental illnesses don't discriminate. They don't usually happen for a reason (there can be drug induced psychosis). Mental illnesses are tricky buggers. They can be stabilized for years and years before the medication stops working or they stop taking their medication thinking they don't need it, or are "cured".

I wish there was a cure for MI and that the hospitals would have an abundance of psych beds available all the time.

Lagoon wiped me out, my feet and head both hurt. Part of me tried not to have too much fun so that when Steve comes home he won't feel left out and upset that he missed out on something so fun.

Sunday, August 31, 2014


About 2 weeks ago Steve started having trouble sleeping. One night with only six hours of sleep followed with five hours the next day, four the next and finally no sleep the next night. That day he went to North Ogden to pick up his son for his Wednesday visit and then went to his parents house in Perry. When it was time to take Hunter home my father-in-law drove Steve to take Hunter home. After dropping Hunter off Steve made a drastic change from just holding it together to losing it.  It got so bad that Steve's parents and his sister took him to the local ER so he could be assessed by a Crisis worker and then transferred to UNI for inpatient psychiatric treatment. 

Since then he has been transferred to another inpatient treatment center nearby since he needed more care than UNI could give him. He has had two CT scans so far (both came back normal), and when he was first transferred to the new location he was in renal failure because he had become extremely dehydrated. He has since been rehydrated and his kidney function is back to normal. 

They started him on ECT on Friday after having a family meeting on Thursday where we discussed the treatment options with his treatment team (A Social Worker, Med Student, Medical Resident, and the Psychiatrist). It was the Psychiatrist's recommendation that ECT would be the best treatment for him since medication hadn't worked for him yet. He had his first treatment on Friday and it went well. Steve called me tonight (a couple of times) and sound MUCH better. The only thing that I kept remembering from the Family Meeting on Thursday is that the Psychiatrist told us this would happen - he would "get better" and then slide back and that his  progress would be "glacial" 

I am hurting for Steve and that his mind isn't working the way it should. I know that when he "comes out" of this his self esteem is going to be damaged. He will feel bad about this "weakness" and being hospitalized again. I will try to explain to him that it wasn't his fault and that nobody will blame him and it doesn't make him any less of a man. It will take some time, but I hope that I will be able to convince him. I hope he will know how much everyone in my family and his family love him,  how much Hunter loves him and how much I love him. 

Monday, August 18, 2014

Something that has been bugging me....

I remember someone (I can't remember who and I hope she doesn't read my blog so I don't offend her) telling me that her fiance had offered to take her on a honeymoon after they married or use the money to buy her a new wardrobe. Now a new wardrobe sounds awesome....I would love it. But the reason for the new wardrobe was that they were getting married in the Temple (a Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) and she didn't have clothes that were appropriate to wear once she was married. 

In my religion (also called LDS or Mormon) once you go through the Temple you start wearing garments. These garments you will wear underneath all of your clothes (except for, of course, swim suits) for the rest of your life. The garments cover your arms so that you wouldn't be able to wear tank tops or sleeveless shirts. The garments cover to your knees (some even go to your calf or ankle) so short shorts and mini skirts (at least to short) are not able to be worn anymore. It helps me wear modest clothes. 

Anyway...back to what I was saying. It is so sad that there are girls that are planning to marry in the Temple, yet before they do they are wearing very immodest clothing so they have to buy whole new wardrobes after they start wearing garments. I would think that growing up in the church, and preparing for marrying in the Temple, they would at least have more clothes that are modest so they wouldn't need to get all new clothes when they get married. 

I did own tank tops and mini skirts before I married my husband. The only difference was, the miniskirt came to my knee, the tank tops were worn underneath another shirt or over another shirt. I wanted to make sure that when I started wearing garments I had modest clothes to wear with them. 

I know there might be some girls who are converts, or are inactive in the church until they get older and they have different standards. So when they are getting married they may have to buy all new clothes. I understand that. I'm just not understanding family's that are strong in the church who have daughters who are wearing short shorts and tank tops. 

I really hope I don't offend anyone, I just am wondering why some girls do this when they know they wont be able to wear their clothes after they get married in the temple. 

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Summer Vacations......Part 1

Summer is coming to an end. Kids start school soon. Both my stepson and niece start school on August 20th (which also happens to be my niece's 7th birthday). So that means summer is ending, right?

In the past three weeks we went on 2 separate vacations. The first was with my family. Steve, Hunter and I went camping in Hobble Creek Canyon in Springville, Utah, with my family. Everyone was there (except for my dad of course who comes up for one day only each time we go camping, but he never stays for a night).

The first night it was just my mom, sister (Missee), niece (Violet), family friend (Missy), Steve, Hunter and I. My sister-in-law Mindy was helping bring stuff to the campground since my mom's car wasn't big enough to fit everything in it. She brought one load and then she and her daughter (another niece Hailey) left to get one more load and she left her son, Jaxon, at the campground to play.

My mom and Missy decided to go down to Macey's and get some groceries (not enough room in the fridge at home). Missee and I decided to go down to Walgreen's to get some items. I wanted to buy some prizes for a scavenger hunt I decided to plan to make for the kids the next day. Missee was emptying out some boxes of firewood from the car so we could take Violet with us. She passed by something twice before knowing it but when she noticed it we all noticed it.....a snake. I HATE SNAKES! I got as close as I dared to get and checked and noticed what looked like (to me) a rattle. I said that it looked like it had a rattle on it and we all stepped back a little further trying to decide what to do. A couple of seconds after I said that I thought it was a rattlesnake Violet (who was standing next to me) screamed at the top of her lungs and the snaked "flipped out". The best way to explain it is that it kind of did a somersault type action. It didn't really move again after that, but we weren't sure if it was dead or alive and none of us wanted to get to close to it to check. Violet was FREAKING OUT and screaming that it had bit her (it didn't). We drove the the Campground Manager's location and he wasn't there. We went back to the campground (snake still at the same location), Mindy and Hailey returned a short time later. They didn't know what to do either since the Campground Manager was nowhere to be found.

I went and woke up Steve and asked him for help. We asked him to kill it by throwing a rock at it. He threw a couple of rocks at it (he's not very good at aiming) and when he finally hit it we noticed that it didn't move. We decided that since we hadn't really noticed it moving since Violet screamed that she must have given it a heart attack or something.

When everyone else arrived on Thursday we would show them the dead snake and BJ (youngest brother - who moved to California recently) finally told us it was probably a rattlesnake and not one of the snakes who has a fake rattle to make other animals think they are rattlesnakes.

Here's a picture of the snake:

Steve and I have OSA (obstructive sleep apnea) and use CPAP machines. I can go for a night or two without my CPAP. I don't get the best of sleep - but I can survive. Steve on the other hand......doesn't. If he doesn't use his CPAP when we go camping his uvula (thing in the back of the throat) swells and he keeps choking on it. If he tries to talk he dry heaves (since he hasn't eaten anything he can't throw up). This year we rented a battery that he could use for his CPAP so he wouldn't have that problem this year. (It makes him VERY ONERY the whole time we are camping) The battery worked awesome the first night but it only worked for a couple of hours the second night. We figured one of two things happened. 1. He forgot to turn the battery off the first day so it stayed on all day, or 2. It wasn't fully charged when it was sent to us.

When we originally decided to go camping with my family we decided to go for 3 days (staying 2 nights) from July 23rd to July 25th as we had a family reunion for Steve's family on Saturday July 26th. We were going to get up Friday morning, pack up our tent, then our car, then hang out until the late afternoon. We would then go home and shower and relax and go to bed early for the party the next day. When we woke up on Friday morning and Steve said he hadn't slept very well and his uvula was pretty swollen and he kept dry heaving every time he tried to talk, we decided to pack up and leave right then (around 9:30ish).

We packed up quickly, went home, showers, took long naps, and relaxed for the rest of the day.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

20 Things

I was recently tagged on Facebook to give a list of 20 things about myself and I thought I'd share it here: 

1. I am afraid of crocodiles and alligators...all because I've had dreams of them chasing me. 
2. I love cotton candy, even if its just cotton candy flavoring - taffy, ice cream, etc.
3. I love to travel but haven't been able to go many places - so far I've only been to a couple of states: California, Nevada, Idaho, Wyoming, Kentucky and Louisiana.
4. I love wearing dresses and skirts - I'm a girly girl
5. I know WAY too much about TV shows, movies and celebrities.
6. I love to read....once I read an entire book in less than a day (it was Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I started reading it at 1 am - after picking it up at a midnight sale - and finished it at 11 am in time for Missee to read it)
7. I dislike fads and try not to follow what everyone else is. That is why I was so late to the Harry Potter, Twilight, Hunger Games, and many more fandoms because I didn't want to be a "follower" just because it was popular.
8. I like writing (as if this list didn't show you that) and have even written some stories (still haven't finished one yet) but my dream would be to actually finish a novel and publish it (even if it was only 100 copies that was published - that would be awesome).
9. I can be very sarcastic. Sometimes my husband can't tell if I'm being sarcastic or not.
10. I am obsessed with Princess Belle from Beauty and the Beast (Disney version OF COURSE). I even dressed up as her for Halloween one year. I have toys, socks, jewelry, a purse, clothing, pictures, salt & pepper shaker, a cup and even dolls of Belle.
11. I have a temper and if I lose it...look out! I am not fun and sometimes swear (only when angry though)
12. I have not seen a R rated movie for probably over 3 years. I stopped watching them because my church has said not to watch them.
13. I love my in-laws. I am always telling my husband and my family that I won the in-law lottery. My mother and father in-law are awesome as are all my husband's siblings spouses.
14. I am a pretty good speller and can't stand seeing misspellings. On the other hand, my (written) grammar isn't the best. If I had to diagram a sentence to save my life.....I'd be dead.
15. I love dachshunds and want one. I love the red coats and short haired ones, but am in love with any version. Every time I see one I squeal and want to hug them.
16. History is very interesting to me as is greek mythology. I really enjoy learning about history and mythology.
17. I love singing in the shower and along to the radio, but have WAY too much stage fright to ever be able to sing in front of a bunch of people unless I am in a group.
18. I like Blogging and have my own blog but forget to blog as often as I can.
19. I dropped out of high school and ended up getting my GED. I passed on my first try and most of my scores were in the college range (except math and science, I am a stereotypical girl who hates math and science).
20. I love magic - reading books about it, watching movies and tv shows about it, daydreaming I have magical powers.

Sunday, July 13, 2014


I have been so busy lately that some days I don't even check my email (which I used to do every day). I've been working overtime since the middle of May (trying to get our department caught up) and have been working an average of 10 - 15 hours overtime per week (one time was closer to 20).  During this time I was also planning my step son's surprise 11th birthday party.

The surprise birthday party was on Friday (July 11th) at our Stake's Recreation Center (which was basically a gym, kitchen, bathrooms inside the building and a covered pavilion outside with a shed and fenced in "yard" with plenty of space for kids to run around. We had the party indoors and just brought some of the tables inside. We had the 6 guest show up and I let Steve know so he could bring Hunter. When they showed up we shouted "Surprise!" and Hunter was surprised/shocked/scared. When I explained to him that it was his birthday party he looked less shocked. It was only 2 months after his birthday so I can understand his confusion.

We started on the first activity while Steve went to get pizza (Little Caesars - the best for the price) and the first thing was painting their own chalkboards. Steve and I picked pieces of wood from The Wood Connection and made our own chalkboard paint (thanks Pintrest!). The reason we made our own chalkboard paint was so that they could pick their own color. We had red, orange, yellow, green, turquoise, and lavendar (I tried to get the kids favorite colors but I was only given the colors of my niece, Violet, and so I got the green (Shamrock) and turquoise for her and the lavendar for Hunter and the rest were just rainbow colors.

After painting their chalkboards we ate lunch and had cup cakes and ice cream, let Hunter open his gifts and let the kids run around the gym until we were ready for the next craft.

The next (and last) craft was to design their own t-shirts. We bought different colored t-shirts from Michaels (on sale for $3.33 when you bought 3 - so basically 3 for $9.99) and Clorox Bleach Pens. We put plastic bags inside the shirts (so the bleach wouldn't go to the back of the shirt too) and let them use the bleach pens to design/decorate their own shirts. The darker the color of shirt the better the outcome, the lighter the shirt the less you noticed the design. We let the shirts sit for at least 10 minutes then I rinsed them out in the sink (and there was no issue with the bleach smearing and ruining the design) and then put the shirts in plastic bags with instructions to the parent's (or kids) that the shirts needed to be washed immediately when they got home.

The party turned out great! The kids had fun, the adults had fun, I had my sister and niece help me set up and my husband and sister cleaned up while I was rinsing the bleach off of the shirts. We were there (Missee, Violet and I who got there first) for a little over 3 hours and it was fun.

That night I felt physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. Partly because the party I had been planning since April (before Hunter's actual birthday) was done and partially because I had worked 47 hours that week from Monday through Thursday. When we went home I crashed and have been relaxing the rest of the weekend.

It's so nice to finally have a three day weekend that I am not working through!

Monday, March 10, 2014

Six years.....

It's amazing to me to think that it has been six years - today - that I suffered my miscarriage. It's weird to think that we would have a five year old boy or girl (I've always thought boy for some reason) that would be in preschool and be starting school next year.

It was a tough day (and I'll spare everyone who reads my blog from having to hear the whole story again) and I can remember parts of the day vividly as if they had happened yesterday. I was quite hysterical (I knew I was losing the baby as there was no way the amount of blood I was losing could have been anything else) and I sometimes wonder what the other ER patients thought was happening to me and what the Nurses/Doctors did or didn't say (as long as they didn't say my name or any other information that could be used to identify me - they could talk about what was going on with me).

"The patient in the other room that you can hear yelling and crying is losing her baby." "The girl on the other room is hysterical....sorry about her yelling and crying."

Sometimes I'll see a something about a woman miscarrying on a tv show. There have been a couple of miscarriages/stillbirth that one character from my favorite Soap Opera (Days of Our Lives Nicole Walker), and her acting when she loses her baby takes me back to when I lost mine. It's hard to watch those kind of storylines on different TV shows because I feel so connected to the character going through the miscarriage, but it can bring back some hard memories from my own.

My name is Raegan and I am a mother to an angel baby who I lost at 11 weeks pregnant.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Other blog

I started working on another blog, which I seem to be writing in more than this one. I don't want to stop writing in this one, or my new blog, I just wanted a place I could write things without worrying about backlash/annoying questions/etc. from family and friends. I wanted a place I could be more open and it would feel more like a journal (that was open for strangers to read). But I've missed this blog. I've missed writing things that have happened in my life here for my friends and family to read. I guess what I'm trying to say.....oh this is hard for me to come out with but.......I'm Bi-Blogging and I'm going to stay that way. I think it may be something I've always been - able to write more than one bog at a time - but have never been able to admit it until now. It must be because I've seen the movie "Frozen" three times (I really have seen it 3 times - once at my dad's Christmas Work Party, once with Steve and Hunter and most recently with Steve, Missee and Violet).......that must be it! (If you don't know what I'm talking about with the "Frozen" joke, then you aren't watching the news, being on social media, or just basically you are living in a hole)