Guilt and fault

I was able to take Hunter for quite a few hours today (almost 9) so that I could take him with me to my dad's Lagoon day. We had a lot of fun with his cousins (Hailey, Jax and Violet were the only ones there) and I enjoyed talking with my mom while all the kids (including "big" kids Mindy and Missee) went on multiple rides.

I told my mom at one point something that has been bothering me. I feel bad when I'm happy, or having fun while Steve is in the hospital. I feel like I should be sad and depressed the entire time he's not home. My mom told me that if I did that (and didn't have any fun or happiness) that I would probably end up hospitalized with Steve. That doesn't lessen my guilt when I have fun.

Hunter's mom doesn't want him to spend the night with us right now (Us meaning myself or Dale and Barbara - Steve's parents) and since the visitation rights are only for Steve she has every right to do this. She is upset since when Hunter found out about his dad being hospitalized he got upset and said it was his fault that he didn't take better care of his dad.

Tonight on the way home (to his mom's house) I talked to Hunter about it and said there was no "fault" in a situation like this. We can't blame anyone, especially not Steve. I told him how much his dad loves him and would want to be with him if he was well.  I hope Hunter does understand. Mental illnesses don't discriminate. They don't usually happen for a reason (there can be drug induced psychosis). Mental illnesses are tricky buggers. They can be stabilized for years and years before the medication stops working or they stop taking their medication thinking they don't need it, or are "cured".

I wish there was a cure for MI and that the hospitals would have an abundance of psych beds available all the time.

Lagoon wiped me out, my feet and head both hurt. Part of me tried not to have too much fun so that when Steve comes home he won't feel left out and upset that he missed out on something so fun.