Sunday, June 19, 2016

Life can be hard sometimes.....and sometimes it really hits you hard all at once

So last night Steve and I went to visit my Dad since we wouldn't be able to see him for Father's day. Because this is not our weekend with Hunter we only get Hunter from 9-7 so we had to leave our place at 8 in order to be at his house to pick him up in time. and since we'd be up in Ogden and would be going to Lisa and Cody's for dinner and then would need to take Hunter home at 7 it made no sense to drive all the way back to Salt Lake AND then back up to Ogden again. That would be TOO much gas and wear and tear on the car. 

So it was a nice visit and we gave my dad his card and gift (a gift card to Best Buy - he's hard to buy a gift for so it's easier to give him a gift card so he can buy what he wants). He had to go downstairs to work on some stuff so we were talking and Missee and Violet were playing with Playdoh. They were putting it onViolet's face and then laughing at the "face" imprint (I didn't see the imprint very well). Sometimes I think Missee reverts to a child when playing with her daughter. It's adorable. Violet came over and asked Steve to take his glasses off (so she could smoosh Playdoh on his face to get an imprint of his face) and when he refused she smooshed my face (with my glasses still on). I had oily smears on my glasses from the Playdoh so I excused myself to wash my glasses. 

Steve and I have been having some really bad financial problems lately, mostly due to his cancer diagnosis last year and the medical treatment that followed and also his car being stolen and having to get a new car. As I was washing my glasses (without soap, which I needed to clean my glasses) I kept thinking that I just needed a good cry but I wasn't hardly ever alone where I could just go.  Just when I was thinking of this (and nowhere near crying) my sister opened the bathroom door and asked if I was going to the bathroom or just washing my glasses. I told her I was just washing my glasses and she asked if she could use the bathroom while I was washing my glasses (yes with me still in the bathroom - we do this often, my mom sister and I and we think nothing of it) and at that moment the tears started coming and Missee asked me if I was okay. 

We went into her bedroom and I was alone for a little bit just crying. Then she came back in and we started talking. I told her about the financial issue we've been going through. About how I work overtime to get a big paycheck and a day or 2 after payday the check is gone to bills and maybe (if we're lucky) to buy some groceries. How we hadn't been able to do laundry for almost a week since we were out of laundry soap. How it was my High School 20th Reunion on Friday night and I had wanted to go (but didn't partly because of the cost - $90 for Steve and I - and partly because the people I really wanted to see weren't going) even though I didn't graduate from High School, but I had gone to that High School until half way through my Junior Year. The not going to the reunion wasn't what had bothered me really. The Reunion was all over the Facebook page for the 1996 graduating class page for my High School. For the past week, or so, people have been posting pictures from High School. Prom Pictures, Girls Preference, Husky Howl (girls choice but not a dress up, usually everyone wore jeans and each couple wore matching shirts), cheer camp, choir trips, spring break, etc. It made me realize how much I missed out on leaving High School, and even when I went to High School, that I didn't have a large group of friends like a lot of the people did. There were dance pictures with 20 couples or more in it. I only went to one school dance, I asked a guy from another school and I didn't go in a group. I never got asked to a fancy dance. I never got to wear a fancy dress. I always wanted to go to Prom. Then people posted graduation pictures. 

Missee and I talked about how much both of us missed out on in our "High School Experience" and she kept hugging me and telling me she loved me and scratching my back, and just being overly sweet to me. It was just a hard day yesterday. 

Oh, and we're upside down on our car. It still doesn't make sense to me that the sticker price was a little over $15,000 and we put $2,000 down so it should have put it to $13,000. So why was our loan for almost $19,000? We still owe $15,000 and our car is only worth $10,000 and that is a year after we bought it! We pay over $350 a month for our car payment and it's killing us! ARGH! I think I need to cry again....but maybe I'll wait until the bills from Steve's next procedure (scheduled for August or September) come in. 

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Birthday Party

On Saturday afternoon Steve and I went to my parent's house for a joint birthday party for my brother, Dustin, and my nephew, Jaxon. Jaxon just turned 13 (and has a voice to match....I can't believe that he's sounding so mature) and Dustin.....Dustin is older than me, but he doesn't want his age on the internet. It was really nice to have everyone there at my parents house for the party, just missing my stepson Hunter. 
I love when BJ and Katie are in town (from Cali), and I just wish I could see them more often. 
It's always fun (and LOUD) when all my family gets together. With about six different conversations going on at the same time. It is always funny when most of the conversations end around the same time and only one continues on and everyone gets to hear the end of that conversation. BJ hates when it's his conversation that everyone is listening to. 
Steve and I stayed until everyone left (everyone except my nieces and nephews Hailey, Jaxon, Trace and Violet who were staying with Grandma and Grandpa while their parents went out). I saw pictures on Facebook of their night out (Dustin, BJ, Missee, Katie, Taylor - Dustin's GF) and some of their friends having fun, and I realized that all of my siblings get together more often that I ever see them. I see Missee the most, and mostly because I invite her over to spend the night, or she comes over to hang out after I've watched Violet for her. Missee hardly every calls me to ask me to hang out. My brothers only ask me to be a designated driver, but never to go out with them. 
I think it might be that when they go out all they really do is go to bars and drink and they know I don't do that...but why can't they do something once in a while to that would allow me to come with them. Once every few months going out to dinner and inviting me along? I miss spending time with them.  

Saturday, July 4, 2015

The bad, the good and the ugly.... Part 1...the bad

WARNING!! The following may be graphic, read at your own risk......

In the middle of June my husband, Steve, stared feeling like he had a UTI (urinary tract infection) as it burned when he peed. He delayed going to the doctor until he started having visible blood in his urine. He went to his PCP (primary care physician) and they did a rapid urine test and said there was blood in his urine so they gave him two prescriptions - one to numb him when he peed (called pyridium - not sure of the spelling - that turns the urine orange) and an antibiotic. Then a couple of days later the blood in his urine was worse so off to the ER we went.... The ER stated there was nothing they could do and referred him to a Urologist (and of course his urine sample was "clear" when he gave it at the ER even though all night at home it wasn't and he was also passing blood clots).

I went with Steve to the Urologist and the doctor ordered a CT scan and then after the CT Scan scheduled an in-office scope procedure (to be performed by the Urologist).  The weekend before the CT Scan we went back to the ER since the blood in the urine was constant and the blood clots were getting bigger. Steve had a hard time passing a couple of the clots. Since we were worried we went back to the ER. The ER told us the same thing and told us to come back if something was blocking the urethra not allowing him to empty his bladder. qa

Steve had the CT Scan and got a CD of the scan to take to the Urologist. I went with him for the in-office scope procedure and Steve was in a lot of pain during the procedure. The doctor said the bladder was too "murky" so he couldn't visualize much and so he wanted to do a scope in the hospital, outpatient and under anesthesia. He also said the CT scan showed something in the bladder but he wasn't sure what it was and so that's another reason he wanted to do the outpatient procedure.

Steve was scheduled for the outpatient surgery on Monday, June 22nd (the day before we were to leave for the Tetons for our vacation).

We dropped off our puppy, Lily, at the Kennel for our vacation, on the way to Steve's Surgery. We got to the hospital and got him checked in and then waited.......and waited...... and waited some more. He was supposed to be there by 10:30 and we got there early, but he wasn't taken back for surgery until almost noon!

Hunter and I went to the cafeteria and got some lunch (we hadn't had anything to eat all morning and Hunter was acting like he hadn't eaten for days). We ate in the surgery waiting room. I watched tv, checked facebook on my phone and played on my IPod. Finally the desk clerk in the waiting room called my last name and took us to a conference room to wait for the doctor.

The doctor came in (after a few minutes that felt like forever) and sat down near me. He had pictures and one was labeled "prostate" that looked pink and healthy (if pink is healthy - which for internal organs it usually is) and then three pictures of the bladder and something that looked like colorless cotton candy.  The doctor then explains the surgery went well but they did find something in the "corner" of his bladder. He took a quick sample and sent it to the pathologist for a quick confirmation of what he was seeing. He then told me that Steve has a tumor in his bladder, a splindle-cell sarcoma. He took a biopsy and sent it for full pathology so we could know more about what treatment options would be for Steve. He said that because of the CT Scan Steve had already had we could see that it hadn't spread anywhere else.

Because of the surgery the doctor wanted Steve to keep his catheter in until he told us to take it out. Before Steve was discharged the nurse taught us how to irrigate it and remove it.

The next morning, around 4AM, Steve woke me up telling me his catheter was leaking and he was in a lot of pain. I tried irrigating it but it just made it worse so off we went to the ER. They changed out his catheter (he had a 18 French in and they put in a bigger one - 20 French) and sent us home. WE ended up going to a 24 hour Pharmacy so I could fill his prescription for pain pills I wasn't able to fill the night before (the pharmacy I went to only had 4 pills and we needed 10) and Steve started saying he was in pain again and then peed his pants. He kept apologizing, but I knew it wasn't his fault. After getting the prescription filled we went back to the ER. They took Steve right back started to change his catheter to a larger size (24 Frrench - the biggest size they have) and they also irrigated the new catheter (and bladder) at the same time and were able to get a lot of blood clots out and by the time they finished irrigating it the urine was mostly clear - no longer tinged red from blood and clots.

We were supposed to go on our vacation that day but we postponed to see if Steve would feel better the following day (Wednesday) or any other day that we could go.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Puppy love

We've had our new puppy, Lily, for over a month now. She's a miniature dachshund, short haired, red colored, absolutely adorable. She is a very loving animal, and her bark is cute (at least it is so far as she doesn't bark too much), she is very playful (especially after 9 PM when we're trying to get her to wind down for sleep) but we are having some problems housetraining her (it's difficult to take her out when the snow is almost as tall as her), she is also biting a lot (even while I'm typing this post, my left hand has bitten a couple of times already) but the biting isn't very hard it's mostly her being playful.

I am going to buy some obedience/training classes so that Steve can take her to get trained. She needs the basics, except knowing her name - she already knew that when she came home with us. We picked out her name right after Thanksgiving and told the breeder what we had chosen. The breeder and her family started calling her Lily from that time on so she knew her name when we picked her up.

She is getting bigger every day and in less than a month she will be going in to the Vet's office to be fixed, microchipped and have her dew claws removed (they just get in the way and could possibly cause injuries). We have fallen completely and totally in love with her, as have most our family members. The first night we had her Steve and I had concert tickets (Voicemale in Ogden) and didn't want to leave her alone for her first she was "puppysat" by my mom, Missee and Violet.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Guilt and fault

I was able to take Hunter for quite a few hours today (almost 9) so that I could take him with me to my dad's Lagoon day. We had a lot of fun with his cousins (Hailey, Jax and Violet were the only ones there) and I enjoyed talking with my mom while all the kids (including "big" kids Mindy and Missee) went on multiple rides.

I told my mom at one point something that has been bothering me. I feel bad when I'm happy, or having fun while Steve is in the hospital. I feel like I should be sad and depressed the entire time he's not home. My mom told me that if I did that (and didn't have any fun or happiness) that I would probably end up hospitalized with Steve. That doesn't lessen my guilt when I have fun.

Hunter's mom doesn't want him to spend the night with us right now (Us meaning myself or Dale and Barbara - Steve's parents) and since the visitation rights are only for Steve she has every right to do this. She is upset since when Hunter found out about his dad being hospitalized he got upset and said it was his fault that he didn't take better care of his dad.

Tonight on the way home (to his mom's house) I talked to Hunter about it and said there was no "fault" in a situation like this. We can't blame anyone, especially not Steve. I told him how much his dad loves him and would want to be with him if he was well.  I hope Hunter does understand. Mental illnesses don't discriminate. They don't usually happen for a reason (there can be drug induced psychosis). Mental illnesses are tricky buggers. They can be stabilized for years and years before the medication stops working or they stop taking their medication thinking they don't need it, or are "cured".

I wish there was a cure for MI and that the hospitals would have an abundance of psych beds available all the time.

Lagoon wiped me out, my feet and head both hurt. Part of me tried not to have too much fun so that when Steve comes home he won't feel left out and upset that he missed out on something so fun.

Sunday, August 31, 2014


About 2 weeks ago Steve started having trouble sleeping. One night with only six hours of sleep followed with five hours the next day, four the next and finally no sleep the next night. That day he went to North Ogden to pick up his son for his Wednesday visit and then went to his parents house in Perry. When it was time to take Hunter home my father-in-law drove Steve to take Hunter home. After dropping Hunter off Steve made a drastic change from just holding it together to losing it.  It got so bad that Steve's parents and his sister took him to the local ER so he could be assessed by a Crisis worker and then transferred to UNI for inpatient psychiatric treatment. 

Since then he has been transferred to another inpatient treatment center nearby since he needed more care than UNI could give him. He has had two CT scans so far (both came back normal), and when he was first transferred to the new location he was in renal failure because he had become extremely dehydrated. He has since been rehydrated and his kidney function is back to normal. 

They started him on ECT on Friday after having a family meeting on Thursday where we discussed the treatment options with his treatment team (A Social Worker, Med Student, Medical Resident, and the Psychiatrist). It was the Psychiatrist's recommendation that ECT would be the best treatment for him since medication hadn't worked for him yet. He had his first treatment on Friday and it went well. Steve called me tonight (a couple of times) and sound MUCH better. The only thing that I kept remembering from the Family Meeting on Thursday is that the Psychiatrist told us this would happen - he would "get better" and then slide back and that his  progress would be "glacial" 

I am hurting for Steve and that his mind isn't working the way it should. I know that when he "comes out" of this his self esteem is going to be damaged. He will feel bad about this "weakness" and being hospitalized again. I will try to explain to him that it wasn't his fault and that nobody will blame him and it doesn't make him any less of a man. It will take some time, but I hope that I will be able to convince him. I hope he will know how much everyone in my family and his family love him,  how much Hunter loves him and how much I love him. 

Monday, August 18, 2014

Something that has been bugging me....

I remember someone (I can't remember who and I hope she doesn't read my blog so I don't offend her) telling me that her fiance had offered to take her on a honeymoon after they married or use the money to buy her a new wardrobe. Now a new wardrobe sounds awesome....I would love it. But the reason for the new wardrobe was that they were getting married in the Temple (a Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) and she didn't have clothes that were appropriate to wear once she was married. 

In my religion (also called LDS or Mormon) once you go through the Temple you start wearing garments. These garments you will wear underneath all of your clothes (except for, of course, swim suits) for the rest of your life. The garments cover your arms so that you wouldn't be able to wear tank tops or sleeveless shirts. The garments cover to your knees (some even go to your calf or ankle) so short shorts and mini skirts (at least to short) are not able to be worn anymore. It helps me wear modest clothes. 

Anyway...back to what I was saying. It is so sad that there are girls that are planning to marry in the Temple, yet before they do they are wearing very immodest clothing so they have to buy whole new wardrobes after they start wearing garments. I would think that growing up in the church, and preparing for marrying in the Temple, they would at least have more clothes that are modest so they wouldn't need to get all new clothes when they get married. 

I did own tank tops and mini skirts before I married my husband. The only difference was, the miniskirt came to my knee, the tank tops were worn underneath another shirt or over another shirt. I wanted to make sure that when I started wearing garments I had modest clothes to wear with them. 

I know there might be some girls who are converts, or are inactive in the church until they get older and they have different standards. So when they are getting married they may have to buy all new clothes. I understand that. I'm just not understanding family's that are strong in the church who have daughters who are wearing short shorts and tank tops. 

I really hope I don't offend anyone, I just am wondering why some girls do this when they know they wont be able to wear their clothes after they get married in the temple.