Breakdown

I'm pretty good at hiding my true feelings. Most of the time people don't know I'm sick, in physical pain or even emotional pain. I usually hide it so well that sometime I believe that the emotional part isn't hurting me that bad, until I have a breakdown. I haven't had many breakdowns, maybe one or two, until earlier this week.

My husband was admitted to a Psychiatric facility on September 21st, the morning after our 5th wedding anniversary. We spent our anniversary in the ER waiting for him to be admitted to the Psych facility.  It's been a tough time since he was admitted last Wednesday.

This past Tuesday I spoke with the Social Worker for Steve and it was a difficult conversation. When I got home I called Steve's sister, Lisa (also a Social Worker) and told her what I had discussed with the Social Worker. The conversation with the Social Worker made me feel anxious for the rest of my day and reliving it with Lisa made it doubly anxious. 

Someone from my ward was supposed to bring me dinner that night and Thursday night (tonight) too. No one showed up on Tuesday and I ended up eating a bowl of cereal. I was on the brink of a breakdown. 

I posted on Facebook that my "dinner fairy" hadn't shown up and one of my brother's friends had written something about having Steve make me dinner (he also swore so I deleted the comment). That just made me miss Steve even more.

Everything had piled up on me and I couldn't hold it together any longer and I cried, actually sobbed. I posted on Facebook that I was taking a break from Facebook and then shortly after that I temporarily deactivated my account (I reactivated it tonight). When I was deactivating my account it had a few pictures of different people saying So-and-So will miss you and one of those "So-and-So"s was Steve.

I started having dark thoughts go through my mind. I actually thought about harming myself.....ok that's not right. I was thinking of suicide. I was thinking of different ways I could do it, I was praying to God that he could let me die in my sleep. Then I realized that I couldn't go through with it because it would DESTROY Steve and that would be one of the worst things to happen to him while he's trying to recover. I just wanted the pain to stop and all the confusion to go away.

My sister texted me to see how I was doing and I texted her back without caring how I spelled things. It was difficult to see what I was typing through my tears. Both my mom and sister wanted me to call in sick to work the next day and come over to their house, or one of them would come over to my house. My mom asked me to promise to call her if I started having bad thoughts, but by that time I had already decided that I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself.

I convinced them to stay home and fell asleep around 11:30.

I should have called in sick. I should have let my mom come over and hold me while I cried. I should have called and made an appointment with a counselor the next day - I still haven't.

Suicide should never be an option!

I listen to 97.1 ZHT Morning Zoo every weekday morning. I love the DJs and the stuff they talk about is interesting. Yesterday they talked about a friend of the show who was in a therapy session with her daughter and the therapist said something horrible to the daughter. The daughter is in her 20's and was sexually abused by a family member when younger. She has attempted suicide on multiple occassions. The therapist was prescribing her some medication to help her and she asked him "What do I do if this medication doesn't work. " The therapist completley serious tells her "If they don't work then you take 20 of these pills and kill yourself." WHAT!!!!! This girl is now inpatient at some mental health facility on suicide watch. That "doctor" should have his license revoked!!!!!

When I was 9 my cousin committed suicide. He was 30 years old and he died the day before his 31 birthday. Since I was so young my mom didn't tell me the actual cause of death. She told me a few years later when I was a teenager. I also have other family members that have attempted suicide. I myself have contemplated it in the past. Suicide is a permanent solution for temporary problems. I wich no one would ever put their friends and family through the pain and anguish of a suicide.

Because of this issue that recently came up on the radio station's morning show I am going to tell you about an upcoming event that I am participating in that is both very important and very exciting to me. It is NAMIWalks for the Mind of America, NAMI’s signature walkathon event that is being held in Salt Lake City, UT at Spring Mobile Ballpark (was Franklin Covey Field) on September 26, 2009.

I would like to ask you to come and walk with me or to donate to support my participation in this great event. Visit my personal walker page to sign up: http://www.nami.org/namiwalks09/SLC/Raegans. It features a link to my team's page there where you can see who else is walking with me. There is also a link so you can donate directly to me online. Donating online is fast and secure, and I'll get immediate notification via e-mail of your donation.

NAMI, the Nation’s Voice on Mental Illness, formerly the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, is the largest education, support and advocacy organization that serves the needs of all those whose lives are touched by these illnesses. This includes persons with mental illness, their families, friends, employers, the law enforcement community and policy makers. The NAMI organization is composed of approximately 1100 local affiliates, 50 state offices and a national office.

The goals of the NAMIWalks program are: to fight the stigma that surrounds mental illness, to build awareness of the fact that the mental health system in this country needs to be improved and to raise funds for NAMI so that they can continue their mission.

NAMI is a 501(c)3 charity and any donation you make to support my participation in this event is tax deductible. NAMI has been rated by Worth magazine as among the top 100 charities "most likely to save the world" and has been given an "A+" rating by The American Institute of Philanthropy for efficient and effective use of charitable dollars. NAMI has also been given 4 out of 4 stars by The Charity Navigator for short-term spending practices and long-term sustainability.

Thank you in advance for your support.

Hooray!

Steve is finally home! He was discharged from the Residential Unit on Monday. This has been a hard time for both of us but I know that our marriage will just get stronger from this experience.

Before Steve went into the hospital in December we both decided to pray about if we needed to move closer to my work (South Jordan) or stay were we are. Steve said that his answer was to stay in Ogden. I was torn, I love our place and our neighborhood but didn't like being away from my husband for 15 hours a day Monday through Friday. I had been praying about it but no answer. When Steve was admitted to the hospital I realized that I had gotten my answer. Because of my long commute everyday I wasn't home long enough after work before I had to go to bed. Because of the little amount of time that Steve and I spent together during the week I didn't notice the signs. If I would have been home longer every night I could have possibly figured out what was going on and stopped it before it went as far as hospitalization. It is one of my greatest regrets. I feel that I am a horrible wife for not noticing what was going on with him (lack of sleep, aggitation, oneriness) .

I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday after work. Hopefully it will help with my guilt and depression.

I'm a little pissed....

At my work, just outside the office on the second, third and fourth floors are these notice boards. They post the open positions, any news that the company feels that we need to know and some different things that give interesting information on different things. I noticed yesterday they have a new notice on the board that is to inform everyone to keep a good look out for anyone in the work area that doesn't belong. It says: "There have been times at other workplaces where people suffering from delusions and other types of mental illnesses have wreaked havoc through threats and violent acts including multiple homicides. They sometimes appear anxious, paranoid or in a rage. Other times they may appear calm and look perfectly normal."


WHAT THE HECK??????????????


I am so ticked off about this notice. They make it seem like everyone with a mental illness is dangerous and capable of murder. I know a lot of people who have mental illnesses, and I mean A LOT, and none of them are dangerous. Even if they have paranoia it doesn't make them violent. Many people with mental illnesses actually withdraw from the world and are the least likely people to become violent.


I HATE THE STIGMA OF MENTAL ILLNESS!!!!!!!!


People need to become educated on mental illness. Yeah some people with mental illnesses can become violent, but saying most of them are is like saying "All criminals are guilty" or "All Blondes are dumb". That simply is not true and I wish people would get more involved with learning about mental illness and stop being so scared of it.
Want to know more about mental illness? Go to www.nami.org