Breakdown

I'm pretty good at hiding my true feelings. Most of the time people don't know I'm sick, in physical pain or even emotional pain. I usually hide it so well that sometime I believe that the emotional part isn't hurting me that bad, until I have a breakdown. I haven't had many breakdowns, maybe one or two, until earlier this week.

My husband was admitted to a Psychiatric facility on September 21st, the morning after our 5th wedding anniversary. We spent our anniversary in the ER waiting for him to be admitted to the Psych facility.  It's been a tough time since he was admitted last Wednesday.

This past Tuesday I spoke with the Social Worker for Steve and it was a difficult conversation. When I got home I called Steve's sister, Lisa (also a Social Worker) and told her what I had discussed with the Social Worker. The conversation with the Social Worker made me feel anxious for the rest of my day and reliving it with Lisa made it doubly anxious. 

Someone from my ward was supposed to bring me dinner that night and Thursday night (tonight) too. No one showed up on Tuesday and I ended up eating a bowl of cereal. I was on the brink of a breakdown. 

I posted on Facebook that my "dinner fairy" hadn't shown up and one of my brother's friends had written something about having Steve make me dinner (he also swore so I deleted the comment). That just made me miss Steve even more.

Everything had piled up on me and I couldn't hold it together any longer and I cried, actually sobbed. I posted on Facebook that I was taking a break from Facebook and then shortly after that I temporarily deactivated my account (I reactivated it tonight). When I was deactivating my account it had a few pictures of different people saying So-and-So will miss you and one of those "So-and-So"s was Steve.

I started having dark thoughts go through my mind. I actually thought about harming myself.....ok that's not right. I was thinking of suicide. I was thinking of different ways I could do it, I was praying to God that he could let me die in my sleep. Then I realized that I couldn't go through with it because it would DESTROY Steve and that would be one of the worst things to happen to him while he's trying to recover. I just wanted the pain to stop and all the confusion to go away.

My sister texted me to see how I was doing and I texted her back without caring how I spelled things. It was difficult to see what I was typing through my tears. Both my mom and sister wanted me to call in sick to work the next day and come over to their house, or one of them would come over to my house. My mom asked me to promise to call her if I started having bad thoughts, but by that time I had already decided that I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself.

I convinced them to stay home and fell asleep around 11:30.

I should have called in sick. I should have let my mom come over and hold me while I cried. I should have called and made an appointment with a counselor the next day - I still haven't.