A History of Steve

Since Steve's most recent hospitalization, I've had a lot of people asking some questions about it. Instead of writing to anyone individually, the same story over and over again, I'm writing this post to let everyone know. I wont be going into a lot of his past, mostly the last 14 years since we met. 

When we met, Steve didn't tell me about his mental illness at first (who would??) and when he did I was momentarily scared since I've never dated anyone with an MI. But I got over it pretty quickly and realized it was just a portion of him and not all of who he was. He had only been hospitalized once - the Christmas before his son was born, and had been stabilized for a few years when we met. 

The first couple of years of our marriage went by uneventfully (other than my miscarriage) and a couple of months after our 2nd anniversary Steve was admitted for the first time, in our marriage. He spent the last couple of weeks of December and a week of January before he was discharged. I knew that when they discharged him he wasn't ready to come home yet so he ended up going into Residential care (through the county since my insurance didn't cover residential treatment). He spent the next 3 months in their care, just coming home for the weekends. 

Over the next several years, he would go in to the hospital once a year or less. His stays were just a couple of weeks and then he'd be home. Until, the medication stopped working for him. It still worked for him to be stable at home but they couldn't do much with the meds to "wake him up" so at that time he started on ECT (electric convulsive therapy - much more humane than it used to be - nothing like "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest depiction) and for the past 4 years or so it was the only thing to "wake him up". 

This last hospitalization he was in for most of October and they felt he was safe to be discharged but we brought him back a little over a week later and had him readmitted. He's been there ever since and hopefully will be home in time for Thanksgiving. 

Over the past 11 years of Steve's multiple hospitalizations we've realized some of his signs he needed to be hospitalized. For some reason (still unknown to us) he really struggles from August until December. Many times if we can get through those months without any issues - he wont need to be hospitalized. During January to July the only times he needs to be hospitalized is related to another issue (being diagnosed with cancer so he stops sleeping or he gets anxious over something not important and not able to keep his pills down) . 

He doesn't get suicidal that often (at least not as he's told me) and he's never wanted to hurt others. When people see him at the hospital (the people who work there) they see a guy over 6 feet tall and over 300 pounds and he looks like he could be aggressive and violent. After seeing him for a little bit they realize that he's just the biggest teddy bear. He's so gentle and would rather hurt himself than anyone else. The staff at UNI always tell me how much they love him and how sweet he is.  

Steve seriously is the greatest guy. He loves animals, his son, his family (and mine), he loves to help others and cook. He's funny, he is a great cook, he takes care of me and Lily, he tries to take care of my car (as I'm clueless about car maintenance). 

What I'm getting at is that he is more than his mental illness. He's the best husband I could ask for and a great friend. Everyone who knows him should feel grateful to be a part of his life. 

I hope this answers some questions people have. I hate stigma related to mental illnesses and that's why I'm being so open about this. I hope this helps understand a bit of what he's going through right now. 

Fun and Pain

I went to a dinner tonight to celebrate my father-in-law's retirement, at Maddox Ranch House. IT was nice to see a lot of Steve's family. The food was delicious (and I have leftovers for work tomorrow) and now we are at my in-law's house to watch the rivalry game - University of Utah versus Brigham Young University (U of U vs BYU and I'm cheering for U of U and everyone else here is cheering for BYU).

Right before we left to go to dinner I was getting up and noticed that my middle left side of my back was hurting. The more I moved around and tweaked it the more I came to the conclusion that I think I have a muscle spasm. I've only had a muscle spasm one other time, and it was PAINFUL!! This one is taking my breath away. IF it doesn't get better by tomorrow night (I CAN'T miss work) then I think I'll be visiting the Urgent Care. As if we don't already have too many medical bills as it is!

I've been working a lot of overtime lately (one week I worked almost 20 hours of OT - but that was because I had the entire next week off and so I was trying to get enough OT on my check as I could) and some days I can't stand being at work for the whole 8 hours and other days I hardly even notice the passage of time and before I know it I've been at work for over 10 hours. I wish it was more like that - then I'd get a lot of work done and a lot of overtime!

I've been in a bit of a funk lately and some days feel near tears for most of the day. Yesterday was a really bad day where I just wanted to scream at the top of my lung on my drive home. I was agitated and was driving angry. By the time I got home I had calmed down so I was no longer angry, but sad.

I really don't feel talking to a therapist would be the right thing since I feel I only need to talk to someone while in a funk - and all the other times I wouldn't know what to talk about. But yesterday, before I got home, I actually thought what would happen if I was gone and it didn't sound so bad. I thought about no longer seeing/hearing all the evil in the world, I wouldn't have to work so many hours just to keep our heads above water - and it still not being enough. I wouldn't have to have the medical conditions and chronic pain I've been experiencing lately (getting old sucks). I just am really not enjoying being an adult anymore.

It's been a long time......

WOW! It has been a couple of years since I've posted in my blog. It seems that Facebook has become a blog of sort for most people. Well, I hope to write more on this page. 

What has happened in the 3+ years since I last posted?...…….

Steve and I moved to Layton Utah. There was a couple of reasons for the move. 

1. Our rent got to be too expensive and would most likely continue going up each year. 
2. We wanted to move between to North Ogden, where Hunter lives, and Sandy, where I work. We had lived so close to my work for 8years so it was Steve's turn to get a shorter commute. 
3. The rental prices in Layton was much cheaper than it was almost anywhere in the Salt Lake area. At least it was in what we were looking for. We needed at least a 2 bedroom that would allow pets (Lily is going nowhere) and was at least 1000 square foot. 
4. For some reason, while looking for a place between Bountiful and Roy I kept thinking about Layton and just having a good feeling at living there. 

We love our townhouse in Layton, which has a "backyard" (shared with neighbors and not completely fenced in) so Lily can run around. 

Hunter went on his first date (Prom 2019), turned 16 (May, 2019), got a job (just recently). He's going to be a Junior at his High School next year (which starts later this month). 

I'm now in my 40's (turned 40 in 2018) and my body, sometimes, feels like I'm 80. I wasn't as upset about turning 40 as I was when I turned 30. My 30th birthday sucked since no one mentioned it at work, I got hardly any texts from my family to wish me a happy birthday. Also, it was less than 2 months after my miscarriage, which was THE hardest thing I have ever had to go through. So...30 sucked, 40 was awesome!