Valentine's Day

Valentine's day was awesome with my hubby. First I went to work and then physical therapy (for my hip). I got home, sore, tired and hungry. I walked in and Steve had bought a dozen red roses and had them on a vase on the kitchen table. Then he had set the table for dinner - home made lasagna! We ate that and had salad to go with it. Dessert was a slice of strawberry cheesecake - one of my favorites!

It was a nice night - and I'm a horrible wife who didn't get Steve a gift or even a card! I was planning on getting something that night (since we had money) but was way too tired to do anything after physical therapy.

Sick

About once a month since August I have gotten sick on a Saturday morning. I usually get a fever of over 102, weakness and a cough. My lungs hurt if I try to breath to deeply. Then by the afternoon or Sunday morning I feel better. I talked to my PCP about it and she had no clue. It always happens on a Saturday and ruins our plans for the weekend.
Because of the lung issues it has caused, I started seeing a Pulmonologist to have my lungs checked out. So far, all the test have come back normal. I have a few more tests and hopefully by then we will have an idea what is going on.
I HATE THIS! I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!!
I've already met my $1,500 deductible for the year so now I just need to meet the $3.000 out of pocket! Well, I am on my way!

PT

I've been having pain in my hip for almost 3 months and I decided to go get it checked out. Back in the summer of 2008 or 2009 I was diagnosed with bursitis in my hip after having hip pain and not being able to walk without extreme pain. Well, I would get a flare up of hip pain about once or twice a year. I would go to the Urgent Care clinic and would get a prescription of pain killers and some prednisone. After finishing the prednisone my hip would start getting better. 

In November of this year I started having hip pain and so I went to the Urgent Care and got my pain killers and prednisone, but it didn't help. the pain got worse. The night before Thanksgiving we stayed at my in-laws house. I took a percocet before going to bed, another one at 6 AM when I woke up in pain and again at 6 PM when we were on our way home (of course Steve drove). It started to get better and then got worse again about a month after my first Urgent Care visit. I went back to the Urgent Care and got more prednisone, pain killers and a prescription for Physical therapy. 

Before starting PT I went and saw an Orthopedic Specialist and had an X-Ray taken of my hip. The doctor thought I might have Femoral acetabular impingement and may possibly need surgery. I am doing PT right now to see if it will help my hip pain. If not, I need to have an MRI done to see if I do have FAI and if so, I will have surgery. 

I've been having PT twice a week since last week and every time I have been having PT done in a pool! The PT office is located next door to my office building and the pool they use (and share with other PT providers) is located across the street.  My last visits are next week and if the pain isn't better by then - I get to make an appointment to see my Ortho doctor and schedule an MRI. Hopefully I'm not claustrophobic. I'm not normally, but I've heard having an MRI can make you claustrophobic. 

Vacation

My parents decided to do something different for Christmas this year. Normally they spend a lot of money on presents for their 5 kids, 2 in-laws, 1 girlfriend, and 7 grandkids. This year they decided to take us all on a vacation instead.
We were originally going to a cabin in Kamas, Utah. Things fell through with the cabin so we ended up at a house in Highland. The family is out of town for a month and are renting out their house while they are gone. We were only staying for 4 days and 3 nights and someone else is coming after we leave. The house is nice - 5 bedrooms, large kitchen, foosball table, large backyard, but my dad was freaked out the entire time that one of the grandkids was going to ruin something.
We have had so much fun and unfortunately Steve, Hunter and I have to leave tomorrow night to take Hunter home. Hunter has to go to school this week until the 22nd. My nieces and nephews are out of school already, but Hunter has to go until Thursday. It sucks that he has to go to school for most of the week before Christmas when all of his cousins (on my side) are already done with school until January.

Weirdness

I'm not sure why I buy long sleeved shirts anymore. I will wear a long-sleeved shirt for about 5 minutes before I can't stand it anymore and roll up the sleeves and push them out of my way. I don't mind the three-quarter sleeve shirts, it's just the long sleeves that bother me. I try and try to leave the sleeves down for as long as possible, but it's usually not very long before I give up.
I don't know what it is, but maybe I don't like having my lower arms and wrist covered. Maybe it makes me too hot. Maybe I am just weird. Yeah, that's it. I'm weird.

Pampered Chef

I am now officially a Pampered Chef consultant! I am so excited, Steve and I can work together and have fun cooking (Steve) and meeting new people (Raegan and Steve). Wish us luck!

Breakdown

I'm pretty good at hiding my true feelings. Most of the time people don't know I'm sick, in physical pain or even emotional pain. I usually hide it so well that sometime I believe that the emotional part isn't hurting me that bad, until I have a breakdown. I haven't had many breakdowns, maybe one or two, until earlier this week.

My husband was admitted to a Psychiatric facility on September 21st, the morning after our 5th wedding anniversary. We spent our anniversary in the ER waiting for him to be admitted to the Psych facility.  It's been a tough time since he was admitted last Wednesday.

This past Tuesday I spoke with the Social Worker for Steve and it was a difficult conversation. When I got home I called Steve's sister, Lisa (also a Social Worker) and told her what I had discussed with the Social Worker. The conversation with the Social Worker made me feel anxious for the rest of my day and reliving it with Lisa made it doubly anxious. 

Someone from my ward was supposed to bring me dinner that night and Thursday night (tonight) too. No one showed up on Tuesday and I ended up eating a bowl of cereal. I was on the brink of a breakdown. 

I posted on Facebook that my "dinner fairy" hadn't shown up and one of my brother's friends had written something about having Steve make me dinner (he also swore so I deleted the comment). That just made me miss Steve even more.

Everything had piled up on me and I couldn't hold it together any longer and I cried, actually sobbed. I posted on Facebook that I was taking a break from Facebook and then shortly after that I temporarily deactivated my account (I reactivated it tonight). When I was deactivating my account it had a few pictures of different people saying So-and-So will miss you and one of those "So-and-So"s was Steve.

I started having dark thoughts go through my mind. I actually thought about harming myself.....ok that's not right. I was thinking of suicide. I was thinking of different ways I could do it, I was praying to God that he could let me die in my sleep. Then I realized that I couldn't go through with it because it would DESTROY Steve and that would be one of the worst things to happen to him while he's trying to recover. I just wanted the pain to stop and all the confusion to go away.

My sister texted me to see how I was doing and I texted her back without caring how I spelled things. It was difficult to see what I was typing through my tears. Both my mom and sister wanted me to call in sick to work the next day and come over to their house, or one of them would come over to my house. My mom asked me to promise to call her if I started having bad thoughts, but by that time I had already decided that I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself.

I convinced them to stay home and fell asleep around 11:30.

I should have called in sick. I should have let my mom come over and hold me while I cried. I should have called and made an appointment with a counselor the next day - I still haven't.