I give up!

 Just got a notice that we are having an increase in rent starting October 1st. An extra $100 a month. With my checks being a lot less without overtime (almost 50% more than I take home now) and paying for Steve's Medicare (out of his SSDI check) I don't know how we are going to afford it. BUT, we can't find a place (almost anywhere else) that has the amount of space we currently have and pay less than $1,000 a month! 

Then, I saw on Facebook that an actor I really LOVE is coming to FanX this year (Salt Lake's version of Comic Con) and that makes it so there are 2 actors I really want to see, but there is no way I can afford the ticket to even get in the door. 

Steve and I will be celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary (around the time of FanX coincidentally) and we wanted to go to Las Vegas to celebrate (we honeymooned there almost 15 years ago and have wanted to go back) and we can't even afford the gas to drive down there. 

I am actually thinking about looking for a second job... Somewhere I can work from home, or not in a retail or working with customers (I HATE RETAIL!!!). 

We don't qualify for any assistance since I am "paid too much" (After I pay insurance, taxes and repaying my 401K loan I take home a little over 1/4 of what I gross for the payday). 

I GIVE UP! I no longer want to be an adult and am wanting to move home with my parents and have them deal with all this. 

A History of Steve

Since Steve's most recent hospitalization, I've had a lot of people asking some questions about it. Instead of writing to anyone individually, the same story over and over again, I'm writing this post to let everyone know. I wont be going into a lot of his past, mostly the last 14 years since we met. 

When we met, Steve didn't tell me about his mental illness at first (who would??) and when he did I was momentarily scared since I've never dated anyone with an MI. But I got over it pretty quickly and realized it was just a portion of him and not all of who he was. He had only been hospitalized once - the Christmas before his son was born, and had been stabilized for a few years when we met. 

The first couple of years of our marriage went by uneventfully (other than my miscarriage) and a couple of months after our 2nd anniversary Steve was admitted for the first time, in our marriage. He spent the last couple of weeks of December and a week of January before he was discharged. I knew that when they discharged him he wasn't ready to come home yet so he ended up going into Residential care (through the county since my insurance didn't cover residential treatment). He spent the next 3 months in their care, just coming home for the weekends. 

Over the next several years, he would go in to the hospital once a year or less. His stays were just a couple of weeks and then he'd be home. Until, the medication stopped working for him. It still worked for him to be stable at home but they couldn't do much with the meds to "wake him up" so at that time he started on ECT (electric convulsive therapy - much more humane than it used to be - nothing like "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest depiction) and for the past 4 years or so it was the only thing to "wake him up". 

This last hospitalization he was in for most of October and they felt he was safe to be discharged but we brought him back a little over a week later and had him readmitted. He's been there ever since and hopefully will be home in time for Thanksgiving. 

Over the past 11 years of Steve's multiple hospitalizations we've realized some of his signs he needed to be hospitalized. For some reason (still unknown to us) he really struggles from August until December. Many times if we can get through those months without any issues - he wont need to be hospitalized. During January to July the only times he needs to be hospitalized is related to another issue (being diagnosed with cancer so he stops sleeping or he gets anxious over something not important and not able to keep his pills down) . 

He doesn't get suicidal that often (at least not as he's told me) and he's never wanted to hurt others. When people see him at the hospital (the people who work there) they see a guy over 6 feet tall and over 300 pounds and he looks like he could be aggressive and violent. After seeing him for a little bit they realize that he's just the biggest teddy bear. He's so gentle and would rather hurt himself than anyone else. The staff at UNI always tell me how much they love him and how sweet he is.  

Steve seriously is the greatest guy. He loves animals, his son, his family (and mine), he loves to help others and cook. He's funny, he is a great cook, he takes care of me and Lily, he tries to take care of my car (as I'm clueless about car maintenance). 

What I'm getting at is that he is more than his mental illness. He's the best husband I could ask for and a great friend. Everyone who knows him should feel grateful to be a part of his life. 

I hope this answers some questions people have. I hate stigma related to mental illnesses and that's why I'm being so open about this. I hope this helps understand a bit of what he's going through right now. 

Fun and Pain

I went to a dinner tonight to celebrate my father-in-law's retirement, at Maddox Ranch House. IT was nice to see a lot of Steve's family. The food was delicious (and I have leftovers for work tomorrow) and now we are at my in-law's house to watch the rivalry game - University of Utah versus Brigham Young University (U of U vs BYU and I'm cheering for U of U and everyone else here is cheering for BYU).

Right before we left to go to dinner I was getting up and noticed that my middle left side of my back was hurting. The more I moved around and tweaked it the more I came to the conclusion that I think I have a muscle spasm. I've only had a muscle spasm one other time, and it was PAINFUL!! This one is taking my breath away. IF it doesn't get better by tomorrow night (I CAN'T miss work) then I think I'll be visiting the Urgent Care. As if we don't already have too many medical bills as it is!

I've been working a lot of overtime lately (one week I worked almost 20 hours of OT - but that was because I had the entire next week off and so I was trying to get enough OT on my check as I could) and some days I can't stand being at work for the whole 8 hours and other days I hardly even notice the passage of time and before I know it I've been at work for over 10 hours. I wish it was more like that - then I'd get a lot of work done and a lot of overtime!

I've been in a bit of a funk lately and some days feel near tears for most of the day. Yesterday was a really bad day where I just wanted to scream at the top of my lung on my drive home. I was agitated and was driving angry. By the time I got home I had calmed down so I was no longer angry, but sad.

I really don't feel talking to a therapist would be the right thing since I feel I only need to talk to someone while in a funk - and all the other times I wouldn't know what to talk about. But yesterday, before I got home, I actually thought what would happen if I was gone and it didn't sound so bad. I thought about no longer seeing/hearing all the evil in the world, I wouldn't have to work so many hours just to keep our heads above water - and it still not being enough. I wouldn't have to have the medical conditions and chronic pain I've been experiencing lately (getting old sucks). I just am really not enjoying being an adult anymore.

It's been a long time......

WOW! It has been a couple of years since I've posted in my blog. It seems that Facebook has become a blog of sort for most people. Well, I hope to write more on this page. 

What has happened in the 3+ years since I last posted?...…….

Steve and I moved to Layton Utah. There was a couple of reasons for the move. 

1. Our rent got to be too expensive and would most likely continue going up each year. 
2. We wanted to move between to North Ogden, where Hunter lives, and Sandy, where I work. We had lived so close to my work for 8years so it was Steve's turn to get a shorter commute. 
3. The rental prices in Layton was much cheaper than it was almost anywhere in the Salt Lake area. At least it was in what we were looking for. We needed at least a 2 bedroom that would allow pets (Lily is going nowhere) and was at least 1000 square foot. 
4. For some reason, while looking for a place between Bountiful and Roy I kept thinking about Layton and just having a good feeling at living there. 

We love our townhouse in Layton, which has a "backyard" (shared with neighbors and not completely fenced in) so Lily can run around. 

Hunter went on his first date (Prom 2019), turned 16 (May, 2019), got a job (just recently). He's going to be a Junior at his High School next year (which starts later this month). 

I'm now in my 40's (turned 40 in 2018) and my body, sometimes, feels like I'm 80. I wasn't as upset about turning 40 as I was when I turned 30. My 30th birthday sucked since no one mentioned it at work, I got hardly any texts from my family to wish me a happy birthday. Also, it was less than 2 months after my miscarriage, which was THE hardest thing I have ever had to go through. So...30 sucked, 40 was awesome! 

Life can be hard sometimes.....and sometimes it really hits you hard all at once

So last night Steve and I went to visit my Dad since we wouldn't be able to see him for Father's day. Because this is not our weekend with Hunter we only get Hunter from 9-7 so we had to leave our place at 8 in order to be at his house to pick him up in time. and since we'd be up in Ogden and would be going to Lisa and Cody's for dinner and then would need to take Hunter home at 7 it made no sense to drive all the way back to Salt Lake AND then back up to Ogden again. That would be TOO much gas and wear and tear on the car. 

So it was a nice visit and we gave my dad his card and gift (a gift card to Best Buy - he's hard to buy a gift for so it's easier to give him a gift card so he can buy what he wants). He had to go downstairs to work on some stuff so we were talking and Missee and Violet were playing with Playdoh. They were putting it onViolet's face and then laughing at the "face" imprint (I didn't see the imprint very well). Sometimes I think Missee reverts to a child when playing with her daughter. It's adorable. Violet came over and asked Steve to take his glasses off (so she could smoosh Playdoh on his face to get an imprint of his face) and when he refused she smooshed my face (with my glasses still on). I had oily smears on my glasses from the Playdoh so I excused myself to wash my glasses. 

Steve and I have been having some really bad financial problems lately, mostly due to his cancer diagnosis last year and the medical treatment that followed and also his car being stolen and having to get a new car. As I was washing my glasses (without soap, which I needed to clean my glasses) I kept thinking that I just needed a good cry but I wasn't hardly ever alone where I could just go.  Just when I was thinking of this (and nowhere near crying) my sister opened the bathroom door and asked if I was going to the bathroom or just washing my glasses. I told her I was just washing my glasses and she asked if she could use the bathroom while I was washing my glasses (yes with me still in the bathroom - we do this often, my mom sister and I and we think nothing of it) and at that moment the tears started coming and Missee asked me if I was okay. 

We went into her bedroom and I was alone for a little bit just crying. Then she came back in and we started talking. I told her about the financial issue we've been going through. About how I work overtime to get a big paycheck and a day or 2 after payday the check is gone to bills and maybe (if we're lucky) to buy some groceries. How we hadn't been able to do laundry for almost a week since we were out of laundry soap. How it was my High School 20th Reunion on Friday night and I had wanted to go (but didn't partly because of the cost - $90 for Steve and I - and partly because the people I really wanted to see weren't going) even though I didn't graduate from High School, but I had gone to that High School until half way through my Junior Year. The not going to the reunion wasn't what had bothered me really. The Reunion was all over the Facebook page for the 1996 graduating class page for my High School. For the past week, or so, people have been posting pictures from High School. Prom Pictures, Girls Preference, Husky Howl (girls choice but not a dress up, usually everyone wore jeans and each couple wore matching shirts), cheer camp, choir trips, spring break, etc. It made me realize how much I missed out on leaving High School, and even when I went to High School, that I didn't have a large group of friends like a lot of the people did. There were dance pictures with 20 couples or more in it. I only went to one school dance, I asked a guy from another school and I didn't go in a group. I never got asked to a fancy dance. I never got to wear a fancy dress. I always wanted to go to Prom. Then people posted graduation pictures. 

Missee and I talked about how much both of us missed out on in our "High School Experience" and she kept hugging me and telling me she loved me and scratching my back, and just being overly sweet to me. It was just a hard day yesterday. 

Oh, and we're upside down on our car. It still doesn't make sense to me that the sticker price was a little over $15,000 and we put $2,000 down so it should have put it to $13,000. So why was our loan for almost $19,000? We still owe $15,000 and our car is only worth $10,000 and that is a year after we bought it! We pay over $350 a month for our car payment and it's killing us! ARGH! I think I need to cry again....but maybe I'll wait until the bills from Steve's next procedure (scheduled for August or September) come in. 

Birthday Party

On Saturday afternoon Steve and I went to my parent's house for a joint birthday party for my brother, Dustin, and my nephew, Jaxon. Jaxon just turned 13 (and has a voice to match....I can't believe that he's sounding so mature) and Dustin.....Dustin is older than me, but he doesn't want his age on the internet. It was really nice to have everyone there at my parents house for the party, just missing my stepson Hunter. 
I love when BJ and Katie are in town (from Cali), and I just wish I could see them more often. 
It's always fun (and LOUD) when all my family gets together. With about six different conversations going on at the same time. It is always funny when most of the conversations end around the same time and only one continues on and everyone gets to hear the end of that conversation. BJ hates when it's his conversation that everyone is listening to. 
Steve and I stayed until everyone left (everyone except my nieces and nephews Hailey, Jaxon, Trace and Violet who were staying with Grandma and Grandpa while their parents went out). I saw pictures on Facebook of their night out (Dustin, BJ, Missee, Katie, Taylor - Dustin's GF) and some of their friends having fun, and I realized that all of my siblings get together more often that I ever see them. I see Missee the most, and mostly because I invite her over to spend the night, or she comes over to hang out after I've watched Violet for her. Missee hardly every calls me to ask me to hang out. My brothers only ask me to be a designated driver, but never to go out with them. 
I think it might be that when they go out all they really do is go to bars and drink and they know I don't do that...but why can't they do something once in a while to that would allow me to come with them. Once every few months going out to dinner and inviting me along? I miss spending time with them.